It is 8:15pm on a Thursday night. I have just gotten done with the work day. Very. Low. Energy. And heavy. Basically, I just want to fizzle out for the night.
But instead, something tells me to sit down at my computer and start typing this post. I didn’t particularly want to write this: I have been fairly busy working on something or another all day long, I tell myself. Plus I am in the habit of staying in “ON” mode from dawn until night time during the week. After all, this is my “work week.” So why not just let myself chill out after a long day? Why make myself work MORE by writing at the computer?
I really have nothing to complain about. After all, I work from home, set my own hours, and do work I enjoy. Sometimes however it still can be a strain, or a drain, ironically, having all this free time to control my destiny. Right now the path of least resistance would seem to be to just lie in bed and veg out for the rest of the night. Yet instead, I type.
So far, I’m not really sure what the hell this post is supposed to accomplish. It seems kind of pointless and embarrassing to write about how I have too much time during the day, and how I just want to veg out like a couch potato after the day is done. This really isn’t the kind of kick ass style stuff that I envisioned when I thought up this blog. But shit, on the other hand, this blog from the beginning has been about transparency…. or maybe I should say, this blog has been about getting uncomfortable.
Maybe I feel a little bit lame with how I’ve been living. It seems that I have built myself a castle. A wonderful castle complete with great defenses, a beautiful garden on the inside, a concert hall, a vast banquet room. And here in my beautiful, awesome, solid castle… I’m safe, comfortable, well-fed.. and bored.
I really hate to call myself out on this, because it feels extremely lame, as well as ungrateful. But I think I’m playing it too safe here. I mean, I have done everything I can to build myself into the man I want to be, to create a life I love, and to live it powerfully (these statements are an amalgam of the teachings of two personal programs I did in the past: the Sterling Men’s Weekend and the Landmark Forum). As for that last part, I wonder: am I living this life powerfully?
Am I being the man I always wanted to be?
All in all, it was a pleasant day, and I got things done. However, something inside of me still felt dissatisfied. Because I really want this life to be, to quote Bill and Ted, “a most excellent adventure.”
Yet it seems to me that in order for that to happen, I have to continually put myself out of my comfort zone. Like I did a week and a half ago when I took a 17 mile hike with my brother up Mt. Diablo in the East Bay, California. That was definitely a risk. That hike was as fulfilling and satisfying to me as anything else I’ve done in the last couple years. And it happened because I was willing to break my routine, to get out of my comfort zone, and to take a FRIGGING FRIDAY OFF ON MY BIRTHDAY to hike!
Because WHAT IS IT in me that thinks I have to be so damned structured, so routine oriented, so rigid? What is it that decided I have to spend ALL my waking hours from 9am to 8pm either at the computer, teaching, or getting ready for teaching, even if I’m not being all that efficient or productive? Who said I had to be “on duty” for these hours? I mean, isn’t this my life? Didn’t I create this? I’m my own boss, so why the fuck am I
UPDATE: As has happened one other time on this blog so far, I did not finish this post in my first sitting, and so I am now updating you the following day. Actually, the following night. This morning when I thought upon last night, I decided I was “viciously depressed.” You get the sense of a man who has reached a lovely triumvirate of negative moods: uncomfortable, down-and-out, and feeling powerless.
This morning I took an early morning walk (started before 6am, and walked 3 miles, took a little over an hour). During this walk I thought a lot about last night. I realized that last night, not only was I tired from the day, I was disappointed with myself for not doing some things I felt I should do yesterday. Plus, I was irritable about things that weren’t quite working out the way I wanted them.
..All of which of course mean that this was THE best time for me write a blog post to share with the world… just when I was feeling ornery, disappointed with myself, and low energy. Don’t you think?
Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already established that this blog is about being really real, even if some times it feels really dumb. I’m sure that anyone reading this will survive, and if you don’t like it, you can read something else. And it’s not going to kill me for you to read me while I was in a bad mood. Maybe you’ll find it fascinating…. ?
A whole life spent in various states of self-censorship has brought me to this place where I’d REALLY just rather let you know what is really going on.
And so I share my blog post AS IS (with some editing to protect the innocent and perhaps to make me look less like an idiot) .
Case closed! Long Live The Principle of Self-NON-censorship!
2 Thoughts to “Thoughts from my Viciously Depressed Thursday night (Come on in, the Hell-fire’s Warm!)”
Love this blog for it’s crystal clear transparency. Look in the glass and admire yourself.
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