This is a conversation I just typed on my computer in the last half hour. It is with me and my “higher self,” or at least, some spirit of inspiration that flowed through me easily so that whenever I asked it a question, I knew what to type down. This is the second time I’ve done this sort of thing on this blog, which is something I admit I’m still extremely uncomfortable with sharing. And yet, I guess I’m just insane enough to do it anyway 😉
Read my first “higher self” conversation here.
I’m here. I showed up. Let’s do this. (I’m nervous about it, to be honest, but I will do it)
Great, Chris! Don’t be nervous! No need! Be thrilled! You have so much to be excited about, and to look forward to
Yes, okay, I believe that. Yet still, I’m still kind of nervous. Because here I go again, writing this conversation with you, and it’s just uncomfortable.
I understand. Thank you for being willing to do it anyway.
Oy. You are welcome. So, what are we here to talk about?
You tell me, Chris.
Well, I mean, I just woke from a nap (embarrassed to admit I take midday naps often, but they are very refreshing),
and I had this thought about being ready. I guess it was “I am ready to shine.” And at first, it was kind of exciting, how thoughts of readiness can be. And then there was some discomfort. We’ll call it fear. Yeah, there was fear. And then I was laying there, and the thought of writing this conversation down for a blog post came over me, and then thought, “Oh shit, now you’re really in trouble.”
Ha ha, Chris! No such thing! You are not in trouble! But I get what you mean. There is that fear, that fearful voice. I get that it is talking. Do you want me to say it, or will you?
I will say it. The voice keeps me small. The voice is trying to protect me, but it keeps me small. It’s a worry-wart. It’s always worried about shit. It never just trusts the process. I mean, there’s certainly some value in it sometimes, probably. But mostly it’s just in the way. Certainly right now.
Well, Chris, rather than saying it’s in the way, I would suggest that you think of it like this: You are ready to grow, you are ready to expand, you get excited by growth, you get excited by LIFE. Being alive, that thrills you. That’s what you are! And so being alive, that builds up in you, and you let it happen. And that’s where the current of life is taking you, it brings you there, and when you meet up with it, you jump into the current, and it’s amazing! And you are happy, and excited, and it is a rush, and it can feel like a supreme letting go, and there’s really nothing like it. And that is what life is about for you.
And so, that’s why I need to just keep allowing it. Because that is me. And that other voice sort of tries to dampen it.
Well, it’s just that it’s a voice of the past. It’s a voice of fear you might say, or old defenses. It’s a voice based on survival. It’s not a voice based on following the current. It’s not a voice of bliss. It’s a voice of defensiveness. It’s inherently negative oriented, and that is it’s purpose. To prevent bad things, to minimize bad things.
But in the process, it can minimize good things too.
Exactly! It can minimize life. After all, “bad” and “good” are just judgments. The voice of protection doesn’t actually distinguish between good and bad. Instead, by default, it tends to think of the status quo as good. What it already knows and is familiar with. Whereas, what is new, what is different, what is changing… that can be threatening. There’s an instinct in all of us that is like that. That is the human instinct.
That makes sense. It all make sense. I mean, I mostly knew that stuff, but you know, when it comes over me… I mean, it seems so real. It seems so logical. That voice seems to be just “how it is.” I can’t always distinguish reality from my own protective gunk.
You may not always… at first. But you are learning, over time. That is the purpose of this conversation.
Well, then thank you for telling me. Can I go now? Or do we have to keep up this uncomfortable dialogue? Sorry, that wasn’t fair. I appreciate what you are saying a lot. It’s very cool. It makes total sense. But it’s still uncomfortable for me to share this with people. I feel extremely stupid, and vulnerable, and like I’m taking a horrible risk.
A risk of what?
A risk of sounding crazy. I mean, I know this blog just has a bit of this craziness built into it, but this conversation with you, i mean, it really seems crazy. I mean, it’s one thing if I just write it down privately to myself, but to actually share it with someone. This is crazy, right?
If by crazy, you mean audacious — yes. If by crazy, you mean liberating — yes. If by crazy, you mean expressive — yes. If by crazy, you mean truthful — yes. If by crazy you mean happy-making — yes.
By crazy, I guess I mean, this whole conversation with my higher self thing seems like a strange element to this blog that I can’t control. I can’t tell where it will go, or what it will be. And it just seems risky to put it out there. I mean, if I’m just ranting humorously about my life, I mean, that is funny and stuff, that is fine… but this, this is as if I’m trying to be Conversations with God or Abraham Hicks or something. I’m not sure I’m ready to put this out there. I would be more comfortable just hiding it.
Which you have been doing for years now.
Okay, I mean, so I have. So what? Why do I suddenly have to bring it out now? This was supposed to be a blog about ME. And then YOU enter the picture. What gives? I feel like I’ve been hijacked… and all of a sudden it just makes it seems more scary.
Of course. I understand, Chris. That will happen perhaps. For awhile. And yet, if you didn’t want to do this, you wouldn’t be. You could just write this to yourself and let that be it.
Yes, I could. But dammit, that would just be boring! This is at least interesting! Who knows what could happen? It’s kind of exciting… even if it’s scary as shit. It’s like some high-wire act of writing!
There you go! And that is why you are doing this, Chris. I’m not making you. You are ready for it.
I guess so. Okay, thanks for helping me clarify that.
You are welcome.
I think that’s enough for now. Do you?
Certainly, if you do.
I’m ready to go back to being normal again —- er, as much as I can be, I suppose. But we can have more talks.
Thanks, CWiggz!/higher self/strange inner voice.
You are Welcome, Chris/eternal badass!
Hey! Don’t let everyone know! I’ve invested a lot of time and energy appearing completely normal! Just kidding — sort of. But dammit, I guess I created this whole blog because I was ready to blow that whole illusion sky high. Okay, here goes nothing…!
One quick question. I have this other post I wrote a few days ago. I mean, it’s pretty lame, it’s about being a reluctant self-marketer (read: sucky self-marketer). And I haven’t published it. But I think I should, rather than letting it sit there cluttering up the queue. So I mean, should I put up both posts today?
Because, I mean… I don’t know. Should I pace myself?
You tell me. Should you?
Well, I mean, the post arrived today, so why not just post it. I mean this post is ready to go. And then I can go back to that post and touch it up.
Sounds good to me.
Okay. And of course, I’m going to add this part, which wasn’t originally a part of this post, just so the world can see me talking to myself. Greaaat. And yet, if I really didn’t want to, I wouldn’t. So there you go. There goes my pretense of normalcy…
Haha Chris! You have such a flair for the dramatic!