Day 150: More Comfortable With My Humanity?

So here I am in an uncertain situation. Will I be doing a marathon on Sunday or not? It looks doubtful, but I do have a couple of medical appointments this week, one with a chiropractor and one with a physical therapist. I’m keeping an open mind and very glad to be getting help.

In the past, I would probably have gotten frustrated at myself, as if I was breaking a promise: “You hypocrite! You said you were doing a marathon, and now you aren’t even sure if you are doing it!” The old hobgoblin of little minds trying to be foolishly consistent. Thoughts like these made it seem dangerous to try anything for fear of tormenting myself if I failed!

My attitude these days has changed. “Well, hey, If I need to change my plans to take care of myself, then that’s what I got to do. People will understand. Also, I’m doing this marathon for myself. I can change my mind.” It reminds me of my blog. I have started it up with the intention of writing in it every day, then promptly changed my mind (it happened here). Or last year when I intended to post about my marathon training #1, posted only a few times, then didn’t post for the rest of the year!

I fully intended to run CIM. At the same time, there were other forces at work in my head: fears and worries and painful memories from the past. I didn’t go into this marathon cycle with a blank slate, open and happy. I had lots of ambivalence, which seems to have manifested in a rather bumpy ride.

Clearly I’m still getting the hang of this whole marathon thing. Sure, it’s been challenging at times, especially with the uncertainty now about running the marathon at all. Yet as this experience unfolds, I find myself feeling a new sense of freedom, saying to myself, “Hey, I set out to do something, and maybe things aren’t working out the way I planned, so I’m changing the plan. I’m making a new decision.”

Who knows? Am I more comfortable (at last) with my humanity??

What a concept!

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