Day 107: How Does This Feel to You?

Note: Tonight I had a nice “inner monologue” conversation where I discuss some shifts I want to make in my life. The question “how does this feel to you?” helps me discern the rightness of my thinking.

In these areas I feel like I’m doing really well: Relationship, Running, Creative expression (composing and blogging), Teaching, Personal finances. But uh…

Wait a second. This may be something I want to journal about first, lol. haha

Why, Chris? Are you worried you might say something you’d regret?

Um, yes! I haven’t thought this through. It feels “too heavy” to write about right now, too raw!

That makes for some of the best conversation!

Well, maybe for someone else to gawk at. But to me, it’s embarrassing.

What’s embarrassing about thinking through something important to you in your life?

That I might look stupid, that I might say something I regret, that I might get uncomfortable. Yikes. It feels kind of dumb saying this.

It’s not dumb. It’s just… normal. It’s not particularly extra-ordinary. Run of the mill. You know the drill. “How can I look good?” “how can I look like I know what I’m talking about?”

Ha. {sheepish grin]

So what is it that you are working through here?

Well, basically, I love many things about my life. What I listed above. Yet there are areas that I think I could improve. For instance, I have hardly performed all year long. I was blasé about stopping performing when the Pandemic started, thinking I didn’t care. But I think it takes a toll on me. There are things I miss for sure. Also, I have all these great compositions (including a new piano album that has gotten great reviews from actual reviewers!), and I want to move forward with reaching the world… er, well, I want to want to. It’s a bit of a tug-o-war inside around this topic.

And what is it that having these things would give you? How do you think they would make you feel?

Well, having a rich performance life will give more variety, more chance to share my abilities, and more fun. I think I will feel satisfaction and joy, and appreciation for having cool new experiences. As for sharing my music, it will give me a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, knowing I am “making good” by my creativity. It also will bring variety, and the joy of collaboration with others, whether a film project, musical, or performance situation. It will feel like joy and expansion, and ease. And of course bring new career and money-making opportunities, which is also important.

Perfect! And how does that feel to you right now?

Well, it’s nice to write this down right now. There’s some hesitation, partly because I’m running a marathon and have the belief that I have “limited extra energy” to devote to something like performing. That might be an excuse, but there is a very real outlay of energy required in doing a marathon.

And you don’t believe you can do both?

Er… um… apparently not? Sorry. Clearly, I’ve been living like I can’t have both. Sigh.

No wonder you’ve been stressed and unhappy.

Hey! Don’t tell people that! Don’t blow my cover… er, I’m sorta joking. But yes, I think it’s been a bit stressful, maybe unsatisfying, to unilaterally decide that I need to minimize performing while preparing for a marathon. It’s definitely not idea because it creates this “either/or” mentality, which sucks. I’m still working that one out. At this point, I’m considering (dare I say it?) pausing doing a marathon next year to rebalance myself a bit, let in a bit more energy for music activities.

I think it’s possible that not having a 4 to 6 month training commitment next year could be positive to help me find my balance.

And how does this feel to you?

Um… a little sad. Haha. I really love doing marathons. Like I’m giving something up. Who knows? I don’t have to decide right now. I think I will go into 2023 with an open mind (and an open calendar), see what makes sense.

And how does THIS feel to you?

It feels pretty good. Really good. I like it.

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