Chaos in “Full Disclosure”-ville

Hello!  It is Saturday morning at 7:03am according to my computer clock.  I awoke over an hour ago, fed our starving, panicky, hasn’t-been-fed-in-at-least-six-years-or-so-she-thinks cat (one of two, the other is very caaaaasual about eating, and about everything else for that matter, and only does it if he wants, thank you very much).  It’s a bit unusual for me to rise this early on a Saturday morning, but I admit I was excited.  No doubt, thoughts of this blog circling in my head.

Which brings me to today’s topic. The basis of this blog we might call “Full disclosure.”  Not because I am going to share every dang thought that goes on in my head (that would be more like “full dumping,” and I really don’t think it would be worth anyone’s time).   But because this blog is proving to be a way for me to talk about things that matter to me… and that I might not otherwise ever talk about, due to old habits of behaving, over-thinking, etc.

In other words, as I have written before, this blog allows me a platform in which to be honest and in which to show up authentically and fully (Translation:  embarrass myself before a crowd of internet readers). I admit, this has scared the shit out of me.  All my life, the issues of honesty in public versus worrying what people will think have been in a tussle vying for influence over my actions.  It’s funny, but something about being honest in this ways to me feels  like going out naked:  illegal in most places, daring, and something that probably will get me in trouble (The main difference being that I don’t actually think about going out naked… this is merely a simile, I promise!).   That is why every single post I have published so far has required a dose of courage or insanity to undertake.  And yet, like going skinny dipping in a cold lake on an early morning, it has been thrilling as well.

Because it is liberating living in Full Disclosure-ville.  I have endured times where I kept quiet in places I did not want to be, with people I did not want to be with.  Or, perhaps less tragically but no less regretfully, in situations where I would really have liked to show up fully.  Even to this day, there are roles I play in my life that have to some degree constrained who I get to be, and while they are quite satisfying (My overall life satisfaction is at an all-time high!), nonetheless, it is refreshing to “lay new pipe” so to speak and be able to write about whatever the hell I want on this platform.

By the way, in the spirit of full disclosure, these are the crazy-making thoughts going on in my brain as I construct this post:  I am sitting here wondering if I actually should publish this now, or wait until later, because I just last night made another post and that was “definitely” worth posting, and this post “may not yet be” worth posting, and so I definitely need to reconsider publishing this…

Or so my crazy mind is telling me.  And you know, I really don’t know if any of that is true.  But I DO know this:  It feels good to just say FUCK OFF to the crazy mind, and do something anyway.  And that’s what makes this whole blog thing so frigging cool.  The worst that will happen is that I will look back on this blog post at some point and say, “Man, this was a bad post,” or “Man, you should really give people time to read your post before putting up a new one.” But right now my response is: “What the hell am i worrying about? Just try it out!”

Here’s to trying it out!  And to Full disclosure!

UPDATE: (Later that morning)  In an ironic development this morning, “chaos in Full Disclosure-ville” was nearly absolute, as this site almost was erased due to my own ignorance in not correctly setting this site up on my host.  For the last hour, the site has been inaccessible, but thanks to a helpful technician at GoDaddy (shout out to John!), we are back on air… and I was spared the ultimate embarrassment of losing my website two weeks in (!).  Score!

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