Ending the Trance of Self-Negativity

Words that describe MeTonight’s post is going to be all about me.  Of course, I guess all the posts are all about me.  I’m not sure if this is really a good thing… but then again, i remind myself that I started this blog for myself.  Not that I don’t want to have it appeal to others..  I really do want it to appeal, but probably more than even that, I want to use it to express myself and get shit out of the way that’s been in my head.

Some of this shit has been in my head for years.  Or even decades.  Which doesn’t really surprise me, as I was, once upon a time, the guy who went off to college on the other side of the country WHEN HE DIDN’T WANT TO for bogus reasons and then found himself COMPLETELY miserable from the very first second he went there but somehow managed not to face the truth for an ENTIRE YEAR AND A HALF before just about cracking up and coming back home…

I guess I am a recovering master of self-delusion.  And of suffering.  A sort of reverse magician with masochistic tendencies, with an audience of one: Myself.   A misguided sorcerer with one trick:  keeping myself in a trance of negativity.  This blog has been helping to remedy this, so I hope that my readers won’t mind indulging me for as long as I need to wax on about myself… believe me, it has healing properties for me… hopefully someone else out there can get benefit from it too.

I want to talk about something that has been on my mind (and actively created BY my mind) for all those aforementioned years.  And that is the topic of the self-abuse.  Today I caught myself in the middle of several fits of self-abusive negativity, as my mind rambled much like I mentioned in my Mr. Trashman post.  Fortunately, I had the insight to pull out my phone and record myself, as my mouth spit out this venomous drool of the most horrible type.  Horrible self-negating crap that I truly don’t wish to put on this blog post.

Okay, you convinced me.  Here’s an excerpt, from the annals of the return of Mr. Trashman:

You stupid fucking idiot, you don’t deserve to be alive, you don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve to have anything that you want.

And another gem of cognitive dysfunction:

You little chicken shit, you’re gonna have a horrible week because you always do because you’re full of shit, every single week sucks because you’re such a coward

Yes, I am happy to say that I was actually shocked when I heard myself saying these things.  I have been saying things like this about myself for possibly close to 30 years.  And yet tonight, the very act of recording it made me hyper aware of what it had been doing to me, a sort of mental thought poison that I had been letting drip into my pipes for years.

It explains a lot.  Like why I have not gone for certain things I wanted, or played small in my life.  Believe me, it is embarrassing to talk about this, as I would really much rather be the bad ass who is bigger than mental crap, but this shit has been cramping my style for my whole life!

And I let it!

Anyway, the days of self blame are over.  Instead, these are the days of exoneration.   I love that word.  Exoneration: the action of officially absolving someone from blame; vindication.   This is the day I official exonerate myself forever more, and therefore put Mr. Trashman in his place.  Go home!  We don’t need your kind here…

Yeah, I’m sure he will make another appearance… but this time I’ll be ready for him… I got my bug catcher… a huge net big enough for a small-minded sourpuss with no imagination.

Be gone foul thing!

Tonight is an important turning point because I strongly feel that I have gained access to something that has subtly eluded me for a long time… Myself.  Access to my head, and being the one in charge of what goes in there… and what stays in there.

This is my head, and I shall guard it dearly.

There may be hope for me yet.

Have a good week!


*Yes, I left this typo in… I defy all perfectionism!

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