This past weekend, I got an inkling to open up some old journals from a few years ago. In particular, I found one from August 2017, which was precisely when a critical shift in my writing life occurred: I began taking solitary trips to a cafe nearby and writing for hours. Initially, I did this to escape my stressed out head. I was going through some very trying circumstances, and I figured writing would give me insight and calm my mind.
It did, and much more. These sessions were so powerful that I was often awe-struck. Partly, this was because I made heavy use of a dialog format between “Me” and my Inner Being, or what I have called on this blog My Higher Self. The state of awareness and inspiration that I sometimes reached was a turning point, and I have not looked back.
Prior to this time, I had written in this way for periodically, inspired by the Conversations with God format I discovered many years ago. I even employed it in an earlier form (though collapsed with my old rap moniker “CWiggz!”) on this blog. Yet I don’t think I had ever made it such a regular thing before.
Tonight I would like to share some excerpts from this journal. The passages below follow the conversation as I working on shifting my mindset from the distress I was going through to a higher perspective 😉
July 31, 2017
Hello! I am (blessedly) here at [ ] cafe. There is a pleasant roar of conversation. My car is at 2-hour parking, still have 1hr 30 minutes. I was going a bit crazy there at home, needed to get out. So here I sit.
I feel better. A bit raw, but better. A bit wiggy. Brain is acting up a bit:
<you are shit, you are stupid. Nothing you do is very good. You always mess things up. What the hell is the matter with you? You are such a f***ing shit>
Another day, another dollar!
This is perfectly natural, Chris. Your brain has a reflex mechanism. It goes automatically, what feels like spewing is a result of it being afraid.
Yeah, I get that. What is it afraid of?
It is afraid that you’ll feel pain. It is afraid of pain. It does everything it can to help you avoid that.
Including convincing me to do things that cause me pain??
Well, it doesn’t see it that way. It thinks it is helping you. Keeping [you] safe.
Yeah, you have said that before. It’s driving me crazy. I just want to sleep.
Sleeping is excellent, Chris! Nothing wrong with that.
Blah. I don’t want to sleep right now. I want to get clear…
[more brain chatter] <What’s the point of even trying? It’s all shit no matter what! I am a total failure no matter what this sucks…>
[Everything] seems hard to accomplish.
You are doing fine, Chris. You are not failing. Merely thinking. You are sorting, collecting, you are taking your time. You are reflecting.
Okay, but I mean, I don’t have forever.
Don’t you? You do have forever. There’s nothing you have to do.
Well, I have been feeling a bit like an embarrassment. I don’t like that.
Of course you don’t. Yet remember this: You are not an embarrassment. You are a daring creature of this earth, a spirit in a human body and you are daring to make this work. Absolutely daring! You rock.
August 1, 2017
Okay, hi! How are you? Alright, so it’s 10:45am. And I am here… again. Lol. Glad I came…
Thank you, Universe. Life is amazing.
You are so welcome, Chris! We love helping you experience more joy!
Thank you… um… why does it seem like I am asking for more joy, yet sometimes it seems like you won’t give me it. I mean, what am I missing? I’m sure I’m the one who interferes. Sorry about that, by the way.
It is not a problem, Chris. It is so normal to go through this. You are doing so well. As you learn to distinguish between divine inspiration and what you call “head trash,” you are getting clearer all the time.
What happens sometimes is that the brain reflexively starts to think. While we are talking, while we are conversing, while you are thinking of good new ideas, IT is talking too. This survival instinct has a voice of its own.
DIVINE INSPIRATION/HIGHER SELF– “You are perfect as you are. All is well.”
YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS: “Is it possible? Wow, I kinda like the idea.”
PROTECTIVE BRAIN: “Of course it’s not true. Look at you! So flawed! So bad, so wrong! And if people knew how flawed you are, to make these stories up about talking with Divine Intelligence! So stupid!”
Wow, it seems like my protective brain has the most to say.
Sometimes it can be very wordy… It generally does whatever it can to get your attention. And it knows how susceptible you are to chatter.
Oy. That does not sound good!
It is not bad. It is something to work with.
So my brain is susceptible to chatter, no, I am susceptible to believing the chatter. And what can I do about it?
Look at it. Become aware. Try to go easy on yourself. It’s not your fault. You didn’t even design the system. You simply opted to participate in this game.
Okay, yes. God, I did. I know I did. So now, so now, God, I would really like to consistently choose joy in my life. Life is meant for joy. I know this. I just looked through a bunch of writings from the last 9 months, and it is amazing how many times I was in a bad mood, depressed and low. Unhappy. I know this is a result of my focus on the fear and worry. What can I do about that? I mean, how can I prevent that or minimize that in the future?
By gaining a proper perspective on life. Realize problems happen. Realize that your ideals aren’t always easy or quick to manifest. Realize it takes time. Realize you have to go easy on yourself at times.
Hmm. Yeah. I mean, I “know” this stuff. I mean, I teach in this way. A lot. So, God, sometimes I’ve been so worried recently. So unsettled, unhappy head states at times…. Help me, give me wisdom. How do I get my “mojo” back?…
These are important inquiries you are making, Chris. It is a part of this process. All is perfect. You don’t achieve big things like balance and self-mastery without doing this kind of work. So the first thing is to acknowledge all the fine things you have been doing… for years. For decades in fact.
That fact that life has not yet “rewarded” you with ever-lasting bliss yet in all areas does not mean you haven’t been doing a lot of the right things. It doesn’t mean you haven’t been awesomely achieving your soul’s purpose of experience and growth! You ARE achieving this, the ultimate achievement!… You perform an invaluable function. In a world largely defined by looking good and popularly-agreed upon measures of success, you have chosen to take your individual path and you have not diverged from it even when it was uncomfortable. This is because you have an even larger faith in this process. You are rocking it!
And we know that you have desires for continual expansion of your joy. Joy is important! Joy matters. It is not easy to stay in your joy when you imagine your security is being threatened. You “know” you need to get into action to fix things, yet the answer is not easily presenting itself. Partly this is because of how much unease entered your mind because of the circumstances.
What do I do to stay in my joy in the face of that challenge?
It is not easy. To remain joyful requires a level of mastery that is uncommon. To remain faithful to the process in the face of these challenges takes a level of courage and trust in the Divine that is extraordinary. Many others would have jumped ship already. The fact that you have hung in there says a lot about you. Rest assured, you are winning this game.
The key is to see this. It requires redefining winning. Are you feeling like you are taking care of yourself the best you can?
Well, I mean, in some senses. Relaxing. Staying focused on the positive, etc. Yet I could be taking more action to “fix” things.
And what would that do? Since when does action [by itself] mean anything? Action without alignment ends unsatisfying. Action with alignment is unstoppable.
Shit, so all that time I was taking action without alignment.
Yes. No. It wasn’t that it wasn’t in alignment. It’s that it wasn’t in alignment with the exact results you said you wanted.
One final aside. I wish to say on a personal note that today my brother and his wife’s daughter was born. I’m an Uncle again… for the third time!
2 Thoughts to “Day 382: You Are Not Failing”
Lovely, it’s a journey itself reading your journals from a year ago. I was fascinated by the conversation and will be reading it again and again. Also love the “epilogue” about your newest niece!
As always, thank you for the support, Mom 🙂
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