Okay here we are. I have been thinking about writing this post for several days, and I guess this is the first moment where I can’t put it off any longer 🙂
It is Friday night which historically means that I give myself some air from the usual suffocating asphyxiation of my “work week” (FYI, I’m not saying there is anything at all wrong with the work I do, or with my week… and for anyone who worked with me this week, please don’t take offense! .. I’m merely saying that there is another side of me, my creative self you might say, whom I typically give a breather to on Friday nights… I believe that’s why we use the expression “T.G.I.F.”— “Thank God I’m Finally-frigging-done-with-stressing-out-all-week”). So anyway, here I am, at my computer listening to my favorite Green Day song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”
And thinking about this post.
You ready, there CWiggz/higher self?
Okay, great. At least one of us is. Let’s do this.
Okay, so anyway. I believe you had some comments you wanted to make on my last post.
Yes, and I believe you may have a few yourself.
I’m sure I will (“I” being the conscious me sitting here at the computer feeling awkward about writing and publishing this strange conversation… the “voice” in italics being the perfect/oh-so-superior part of me that always knows everything while I sit here struggling not to stress out every week)
Chris, you are so funny!
Not really. Shit man, all I ever seem to do is clear my head, try to do the right thing, listen to empowering things, be good to my wife and everyone else… and I still feel like a fool here on a Friday evening complaining about my day… how utterly normal… you’d think I just got home from an hour-long commute from some stressful, 60 hour a week job. But what do I have to complain about? I work at home, I’m lucky! (That’s a rhetorical question, by the way)
Yes, you may speak, Mr. Oh-so-transcendent-inner-voice.
Okay, Chris! I shall. You are so funny, and so fun. And you are right, you do care about others and always try to do your best for everyone.. and sometimes you leave some time for yourself, and often you do not leave enough time for yourself.
But that doesn’t really make sense. I mean, I work for myself. I have so much time.
But as you have described in the past, that is not always “free time.” For you, the clock is always ticking, and you always feel that you must be working. From approximately 8am Monday morning until 5pm Friday… with night-time breaks to chill out, lie in bed, watch something or read… and then it’s right back at it the next day.
Yeah, man. That sucks. I mean, you would think, me being this “Artiste” and all, that I might have a more enlightened attitude. But I feel like a kid in grade school having to go to school everyday.
Anyway, let’s stop talking about my bad work week mindset and talk about what we came here to talk about. I believe you wanted to talk about my post from Tuesday.
Yet you see, this is all related. How you are feeling right now, what you are talking about, it is completely related to what you wrote on Tuesday. You wrote about frustration with yourself about not putting your songs out… but really, what this is about is that you feel frustrated that you don’t give to yourself enough sometimes… in the way that matters to you most.
Basically, I’m too good. But not in a good way.
Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. You are good in all the right ways! In all the good ways! It’s not that you aren’t good. It’s that you have found yourself falling back into habits of “responsibility”* rather than expressivity, of doing what you “should” rather than what you want. You keep putting out the proverbial cheese out in front of yourself, and so you are on the hamster wheel chasing it.
Okay, I mean, I guess you are right. I don’t disagree with that. But this week I did a lot of valuable things. I mean, instead of feeling like a lazy idiot like I did last week, I actually took progressive action to drum up more business, raise my “money mojo,” and feel good about myself. All of which is really important if I want to have time to dream, to create… to be an artist.
Of course. That is valuable. I am not saying it is not. What I am saying is, you do all of THAT, all of those things… yet sometimes you struggle to balance that “responsible” side of you with the creative, free-thinking dreamer in you.
Shit. You have found me out. I have been thinking about that a lot recently. I mean, as much as I try to be responsible all the time, success-oriented and all that, the truth is, the truth is that I am a dreamer… I just want to read, write, create stuff, play music, have fun with people… and live the death-defying life of a happy, liberated artist.
Yes! That is the real you. That is what you long for! It is so wonderful to hear you say that!
Well, don’t celebrate too soon. I mean, it’s easy for me to say it. But living it, I mean, doing it… seems to be another matter.
You are so hard on yourself! You don’t recognize all the wonderful steps you take every day, even to feed your inner artist. I mean, you are writing this right now, aren’t you?
Yes, thankfully. I am making myself sit at this computer and type this rather than look at my bank account balance for the 35th time today or some spreadsheet, or some other “grown up” responsible type shit. Ha, that made me laugh.
That makes me laugh too Chris! It is wonderful to see you have a sense of humor about yourself.
I’m not really joking. Sometimes I think I’m TOO good at boring, stupid grown up shit. I’m great at tracking stuff, I’m great at putting things onto spreadsheets. I’m great at the analytical, “left brain” type stuff. But force me to cut loose and be an artist… shit! I’d almost rather have a deadline. I’d almost rather have some idiot on my ass telling me I had to get something done.
Perhaps, Chris, but I really think you are being hard on yourself. You are extraordinarily creative and “right-brained,” as you might say…. when you give yourself permission.
Okay, and that brings us to the point of this post. I mean, I wrote that last post on Tuesday, three days ago, and I really wanted to get back to this conversation, so here I am. I’m glad I’m here, it is good to be out here writing all this crazy shit so that people can see how crazy I am… er, I mean, so I can get it out of my head. But it still doesn’t solve the song problem. I need to take action to create some movement in that area. You know?
All things in time, Chris. Nothing stays still. You aren’t staying static. You remove obstacles every day. You are allowing this conversation. That is something.
Okay, I mean, yes, you are right. But it seems easy for me to sit here and write stuff. I mean, I do that all the time. But sell my songs? show my songs? Man, it seems I always make up reasons not to do stuff… eventually. It’s like trying to breathe in deep space… eventually, the oxygen tank wears out… and shit gets fatal fast!
I don’t know if this dialog is doing any good at all. I mean, maybe it shows me to be a thoughtful person, or maybe it just shows that I’m being resistant. It seems pretty stupid of me, pretty pointless to talk about this. I mean, aren’t I just complaining? Being resistant, “arguing for my limitations” as they say?
Yes, you can respond to that, oh great voice of inner wisdom.
Haha, thanks Chris. Gladly. You know, I know how it can be. It seems so obvious to you that if you were “really” doing it right, you would be doing it right now. And you are probably right. And so you will. Tonight. You are going to work on your music.
I was afraid you would say that. It seems easier to just procrastinate here… er, I mean write. But in that case, are you saying this is a waste of time? That I’m just spinning my wheels by writing this post to avoid creating?
Of course not. All things have their purpose. This post has the purpose of focusing you, and helping you see some things. It also helps invite supportive people in your life into see what is going on for you. It’s a great way to explore this as it unfolds. You are doing the right thing by writing here.
By the way, I think this is the closest I’ve been to being okay with sharing this kind of conversation (with my “higher self” imaginary friend) with people. I mean, the last two times… nothing bad happened. So maybe this will be okay.
I mean, no one reads this blog anyway (passive-aggressive complaint). Ha, I mean… I didn’t mean that! (Editor’s note: since you are reading this right now, I sincerely apologize for my bone-headedness here)
You are truly hilarious Chris. And inspired. This is a good thing, what you are doing here. And every time you post something on here you are prepared for the possibility of lots of eyeballs reading along. That’s what makes it kind of scary and thrilling at the same time, isn’t it?
Absolutely. I mean, this is where it IS for me these days… this is the edge, where I am taking the leap… on this blog. Though today I think I really need to get some music work done. Thanks for the clarity!
Of course. I am always here for you. You just needed to show up for yourself. And you did.
Well, like I said… I like Fridays. And this week I give myself a passing grade for being “responsible.” So I guess I’m rewarding myself with this post. Which is probably pretty fucked up, i mean that I have to do something to justify writing a post. I mean, aren’t I entitled to feel good, to create and to express myself no matter what? I mean, why do I feel I have to constantly do something to justify my happiness? That’s bullshit!
Sorry, you don’t have to respond to that. I know it’s just mind mush. I’m working on it. Thank you for your time, Oh Great Truth Teller!
Always a pleasure, Chris. Anytime! Literally
NOTES (Not to be confused with my “higher self” talking, also in Italics):
*Note here the distinction between this kind of “responsibility” and REAL responsibility for your own happiness, which I write about in one way or another pretty much everywhere on this blog (here and here are two notable examples). This article is about the heavy-handed, external definition of “responsibility” imposed upon so many of us by society, by our schooling, by our parents, or whatever… and which usually intervenes whenever we want to do anything inspired, spontaneous, liberating, or joyful. I know… fun.