I have never had shared so much creativity as I have been doing these days: either online or off. I had years where I was constantly going to open mics, but this was usually one or two times per week at most. These days, every single day I am sharing something new.
Last week, I shared three videos:
- A video of a humorous “how to become the best in the world at your music instrument”
- A video of me performing my new song “Never Belonged”
- The “Bagels and Chocolate Milk” video.
In addition, I shared 7 daily blog posts, including one post where I shared all the music videos I could find of previous love songs I had written for my wife or about our relationship. I also performed yesterday for my voice coach’s recital (I sang “Never Belonged.”).
Last week was definitely a high point of musical sharing, because it was my wife’s birthday. Doing “Bagels and Chocolate Milk” represents a breakthrough for me for multiple reasons: first, the video was a lot of fun to make. I have been making videos and online content for the last several months, but this is only the 2nd music video… the first music video I have made of my own song since 2015! Secondly, this was the first song I got professionally recorded and mixed since at least 2015. And to have the results turn out so well was awesome.
The end result is that I am feeling a sense of creative freedom that I don’t believe I have ever given myself. I have a level of self-acceptance now that is helping me see that it is okay for me to express myself. It may have taken a long time for me to get to this point, but I am glad that I did.
I don’t think anyone should have to go through self-doubt and the crippling effects of shame, thinking that what they have to say is not wanted or doesn’t matter. Yet this is the journey I have had to take. It has made me happier, wizened person.
I used to think that it was a crime for other people to disapprove of me. The problem with this, I have learned, is that there is always someone who will disapprove. You can’t avoid it. People the world over have their own ideas and opinions, and if you do anything ever you risk the disapproval of other people. Even if you do nothing, you will still get the disapproval of other people. We live in a world where people often judge and disapprove of each other.
If you want to be happy, you can’t let it stop you.
I now feel that I am truly living this knowledge perhaps for the first time. I am noticing that I am taking other people’s opinions with a grain of salt, instead of believing that the mere presence of something critical or perceived as critical meant that I needed to put the brakes on myself. What a crazy notion! Good thing it’s total bunk.
Now I know this. Each day I am expressing myself, and I am doing it whether or not people take notice, respond well, or don’t respond well. Really, people’s responses have mainly just been positive. But even positive comments can have an air of judgement if people say things like “I like this thing you are doing, more than that other stuff,” or “this is my favorite thing you have done.” If you are super sensitive to criticism, as I was, you can read criticism, whether real or imagined, “in between the lines.” That can easily be a rabbit hole that you don’t want to go down!
Instead, what I have been doing recently is saying to myself, whenever someone makes a comment that could be received as slightly critical, “They have the right to their opinion. Not everyone is going to get everything I do. I don’t need them to. I’m doing this for myself, and for those who appreciate what I’m up to. That is enough. Besides, it is not a crime to express myself!”
Believe it or not, this is a revelation to me. I have spent most of my life harboring a secret fear that there was something very wrong about doing anything that others didn’t approve of. Oy. It seems kind of silly now, on the other side of it. But hard-won liberation is especially valuable! And this has definitely been hard-won. And much appreciated!