So this is my first time posting any music whatsoever on this blog. This seems like a big deal to me, because music is pretty much all I do, and I’ve done a lot of other music-relating posting before. But not here… until now.
I wanted a fresh start. I needed to be able to speak in a different voice: the kind of voice I used before just wasn’t cutting it. Enter myhappinessobsession.com, and all of a sudden this “authentic me” comes to the forefront, and I’m able to do strange (for me) things online like curse and talk about my insecurities and failures and disappointments… which incidentally mostly revolve around my music career. Suddenly I get to talk about shit that I never let myself talk about before. It’s like I lifted away the “Everything’s fine” mask and gave you the “Ah, shit, are you kidding?” look of shock underneath. It’s like I took away the Front of what I said I WANTED my music career to be and instead can talk candidly about where it actually is.
By that last statement I’m definitely referring to the parts of my career (translation: parts of ME) that I am disappointed about. While obviously ignoring the things I LOVE about my career… because obviously, I don’t need to write a separate blog about that! But let me just say that mostly I live a frigging fantastic life and above all I’m so fucking grateful that I get to do things like write this post and express myself!
I mostly have what I want in life. Yet there are a few things that I am looking forward to seeing be better. I’m looking forward to the shifting process, the shaping process, the allowing process, as I get out of the way and let the process unfold.
I put the business side of my musical creativity in the category of “I look forward to this unfolding and being better.” I love who I am as a creator. I love that I can write what I think are beautiful pieces. “Sweet at Home” is a piece I consider beautiful… it was a beautiful inspiration when it first came out of me, and I consciously sculpted what I hoped would be a moving piece. When one of my students teared up after I played it few, I felt and inner “Yes!” because that is exactly what I wanted the music to be capable of. I believe this music is BEAUTIFUL. Musically speaking, creatively speaking, I’m pleased with my progress.
Now when it comes to the business side… I suck as punch. I believe I might have made up a phrase there,* but that is perfectly fitting, because I really don’t know how to use normal phrases to express the oddity of this massive fail that I seem to have caused.
I’m deeply disappointed that I haven’t learned how to market myself better. I’m deeply disappointed that somehow all my years of dedication to my craft, and even to the business side of the craft just haven’t seemed to add up to the kind of musical success I envisioned in my twenties.
Fortunately, I have this blog. This blog entry is my … fresh start. And as part of this fresh start, I get to tell you the truth. So instead of writing some sappy, hopeful post where I write in fake, glowing terms about how happy I was to write a piece, and I hope you like it, while knowing perfectly well that I’ll probably not really DO ANYTHING with it, I will tell the truth: I am very glad I wrote this piece. Yet I fear that it will never get into the hands of as many people as it deserves. I fear that I am not a very good stewards of its destiny. I feel that I have fallen way short when it comes to getting my music out there. I am not proud of this. I am deeply proud of the work. But truly… I suck as punch.
I SUCK AS PUNCH. The good news about saying this phrase is that I’m not really sure what the hell it means, except that I know it means I can do better. I want to do better. Consider this my confessional. This is my AA meeting speech…. standing for “Artists Anonymous.” Or “Anonymous Artist.” Because I have probably been behaving anonymously, as in “a-non-y-mous” instead of “a-man-not-to-miss.”
The good news is that this is only the beginning. I ain’t done. I just got here! So listen to my fucking beautiful piano music up there, and if you are so inspired, send me a little encouragement below, or if you have any other ideas about how I can get out of my way, I am open to them.
We shall do this together!
Someday hopefully I will be able to exclaim “I ROCK AS PUNCH!”
*I just Googled “I suck as punch” and did not turn up everything. Perhaps it is my original creation… Then something good has already come out of this blog post!