Overall, I am very proud of the body of the content I have put on this blog over the years. Yet there is one aspect of the blog that I feel particularly odd about: the running-related posts I wrote in 2022. This was the year after “my marathon year,” In which I trained for and ran two marathons, one a solo marathon along the American River bike trail, and the other the California International Marathon (“CIM”). Back on January 1, 2022, I blogged this about my experience:
What made 2021 my Marathon Year is the incredible level of satisfaction and fulfillment I got from training for and running these races. There are few things I have done in my life which were more satisfying. By and large, marathon training was a continual joy, a delightful endeavor that filled my waking hours with purpose and anticipation. (from “Recapping My Marathon Year”)
This is all true. I had many joyous highs that year, and felt an exciting sense of fulfillment and meeting my physical potential like never before.
However, what the passage leaves out is that by this time I was completely burnt out and miserable. Following CIM that December, I experienced an acute and overwhelming depression. That Holiday break was the unhappiest I can remember.
Nonetheless, I charged into 2022 as if nothing was wrong, fully intending to run CIM again the following December. During my second year of 365 Days of Blogging, I frequently blogged about my running experiences, writing no fewer than forty-five running-themed posts from July through December while training for the marathon. Each post was cheery and bright. Going only by what I wrote, you would see a enthusiastic runner chronicling his happy running experiences.
Again, there was some truth to that. But it was only half of the truth. I’m not saying I was consciously lying. I simply wasn’t paying attention to what was really going on.
For instance, I know now that by the end of the previous year, running had morphed on me into something unhealthy. I was ignoring other aspects of my life that needed tending to, telling myself that somehow I could keep my life in balance. I finally faced the music a few weeks before the marathon when, injured, I decided not to run the race. I then took the month off from running and started seeing a sports chiropractor, who acted as my rehabilitation running coach.
My relationship with running improved after that. However, it wasn’t until a full two years later (the beginning of last year) that I fully accepted that running was no longer fun, that it had not been working for a long time, and I that needed to stop.
So I did, for 10 1/2 months.
A few weeks ago I started some short experiments on the treadmill, mostly walking, with a little running when I feel it. This is exciting to me. For the first time in four years, I am running and not kidding myself about it.
Have I gotten past the personal avalanche that was my marathon experiences? 🤣
Time will tell, but I am optimistic.
Because this time I know I am paying attention.