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Musing on “Separating Tasks”

Posted on January 17, 2024

One of my big takeaways from “The Courage to Be Disliked” is the idea of “separating tasks.” I mentioned it a few posts ago. Basically, it is the idea of knowing what is yours to do, and letting other people do what is theirs to do. It’s quite a useful tool in personal relationships, as it can help clear up confusion about where we end and where others begin.

Today my wife and I were talking about this concept of separating tasks. Somehow, the topic came up of how our brains can make up crazy judgments and stories, especially about other people. This includes what it might make up about what other people are thinking about us. I found myself saying, “Dealing with our own brain is our task. Not anyone else’s.”

I don’t know about you, but my brain has sometimes fed me, shall we say, junk. Or crap. I will just call it what it is. My brain has fed me crap, such as these gems of cognition: “You are undeserving,” “People will see how awful you are,” “People don’t like you,” or “They are thinking awful things about you.”

Any of that sound familiar, or am I the lucky one?

Anyway, the point is that dealing with the thoughts our brains feed us is our task. This is especially true for any off-base, negative, judgmental, or victim-oriented thoughts it might offer. This is not anyone else’s task. As in, it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to sort through what our brain tells us is true even if it is total junk. It is our task. Even if it seems to be about someone else.

To use the more familiar parlance, dealing with my brain is my problem. Not someone else’s. If my brain feeds me some negative story about other people, that’s on me to deal with. Hopefully I see it for the nonsense it is, wipe the slate clean, and get back to a clear and open mind.

It’s my task, my responsibility to work through that. No one said it was easy. Kind of like the stone analogy from yesterday, it can take lots of effort to do this. Sometimes it’s a pain in the butt.

Yet personally I like knowing that in this case it starts and ends with me. It’s my task.

I’m good with that.

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