So there are good-feeling thoughts, and there are not-so-good-feeling thoughts. And today I was looking at some old videos I made, in which I played some original music. I was admiring myself and routing for myself for my efforts back then. “Wow!” I thought, “Great job performing that! You are awesome!” At the same time, I caught the frustration I remember feeling at the time.
I saw my passion and creativity, at the same time, I recalled the dissatisfaction, the insecurity and fear of failure, and a discomfort being in my own skin that I couldn’t fight off.
As much as there was joy, I was really quite a mess. Thinking back on it today, I started feeling similar unhappy feelings.
Then I remembered…
Effort. So much effort. The chain-mail was heavy, and though it might be impenetrable, it could not keep away my doubts. I sensed that my life wasn’t meant to be engaged in a permanent war, always fighting against the current. The lover inside fought with the fighter. Which one was right?
I was tempted to put down my armor, and put away the giant sword I had been sharpening for years. The weight of all that metal never felt right. Yet a part of me also cried in agony, at the apparent sacrifice for all those traveling plans. Was I not to be a great crusading warrior? Confusion reigned in my kingdom. I did not trust my instincts. If I stopped the fight, would I be taking the nobler path? Or would I simply be quitting on myself? Was I listening to the spirit of something greater, or giving up?
Then one day, as I knelt in a field, weeping and shouting at the Heavens, an angel appeared, a woman in white shimmering light who floated above the grass. And I forgot everything, as if all that armor and all those concerns had melted away, and I moved to her, kneeling in awe, transfixed. I had never seen such a beautiful sight.
She spoke to me, and she said that Love was never the wrong path. She said that I hadn’t left my path. I had simply found a truer path, even if I did not recognize it yet. She said I was noble, and brilliant, and bright… and that I should remember that my true journey had just begun.
I thanked the Angel, I wanted to talk to her more, I wanted to ask her so many things, but then she was gone. I was just in a field, and when I turned around, there were old pieces of armor and metal weapons scattered about. To me they seemed now like so much junk. I did not need them anymore.