So this morning my brain was trying to effect a coup d’etat in my head, the objective being to mercilessly judge and berate myself for my short-comings and failures (real or imagined). I have written a lot about these attempted mental hijackings before (here’s one example). Believe me, they are not fun! However, I am becoming more aware of what is happening while it happens.
This morning, I sat back and watched what my head was up to. Instead of letting it get me anxious or overly upset, I sort of restrained myself from reacting. The result wasn’t all that pleasant–there’s a certain release that can happen from throwing a fit when you’re upset!–but I was aware that I wasn’t letting the automatic programming control me. Eventually, the dissatisfaction subsided, and I got back to my normal calm self 🙂
There was an especially interesting moment that occurred while this was all going on. I was at the computer paying off part of the balance on our rewards credit card (still using it almost a year later, we haven’t paid a dime of interest, and have racked up $1000 in miles/points!), when it occurred to me, “I must be pretty cool, to be paying this off so regularly and consistently. This takes dedication, discipline, and financial acumen.”
And then I recognized how far down the rabbit hole of self-judgment my brain had tried to take me. It was if I was coming out of the trance, and realizing that, yes, I actually am a worthwhile human being! Instead of believing whatever crap my head was dishing out about me, like some rotten bait on a fishing pole that I had grabbed for too many other times to count, I chose not to take the bait. Instead, I thought to myself, “This is pretty frigging backward. I have to remind myself that I’m actually a decent human being? What gives?”
It was a moment of recognition: my mind had been seeping me in its own story of my unworthiness 🙁 It’s not fun to admit to, and I wish it wasn’t that way. However, it was a turning point. I realized that my mind was just plain wrong. Appreciating my own organization and effectiveness at paying off the card helped me get back to level ground.
There is a great saying I have heard Tony Robbins use repeatedly, which, to paraphrase, goes like this:
“You want to see things as they are, not as worse than they are.”
In my experience, it is all too easy for our brains to think things are much worse than they are, especially when it comes to judging ourselves. This catastrophizing makes a mountain out of the metaphorical mole hole. Maybe you’re a little frustrated, maybe you’re trying to figure out something in your life that your haven’t gotten a handle on—but that does not mean that you suck or that you’re worthless or some shit.
Never!
It never means that! We are amazing beings. Being human is a wonderful blessing, and I believe we are divine cosmic beings in human form. What gives our brain the right to make up these horrible negative stories and torment us with them over and over?
I know not. I suppose I don’t care. What matters is that I am finding through personal experience that we have a choice in whether we choose to go down that rabbit hole.
That very dark, very sucky rabbit hole.
No thanks. I think I’ll stay above ground 🙂