A psychic once told me that I did better doing my own thing than following others.
This was a few years ago. My wife and I were walking down the street here in Sacramento and saw the sign that read “Psychic Readings.” Impulsively, we went in, and I ended up getting read.
The psychic’s words weren’t exactly news to me, yet it was surprising to hear her say it out loud. The fact is though, it seems that life has repeatedly proven the truth of this idea. Although many times I have joined an organization, workshop, or school, or allied myself with a mentor or mastermind, nearly as many times, I have come to a moment where it was time to leave, usually never to return.
In my social and personal life, this behavior often resulted in lost friends or relationships. More so in the past, my need to “be my own man” sometimes resulted in me being a lone man. They call it being a lone wolf, and I can attest to the good, the bad, and the ugly of this.
Despite this, I believe this pattern has served me overall. It seems that in most of these cases I was led by my intuition, which told me it was time to make a change. I have found that intuition serves me as an artist, as a teacher and writer, and as a human. Every time I have acted on it, it seems I grow in self-trust and overall happiness. In fact, many times I felt compelled by it, as if I faced the threat of great pain if I didn’t act on it. It is as if I have a personal imperative to march to the beat of my own drummer. Shakespeare’s words “To thine own self be true” seems to be the mat on my door.
Sometimes I have regretted this tendency. Yet other time I have been filled with great relief. Occasionally I have probably disappeared without a word, no doubt leaving others perplexed or possibly even hurt. As I have grown up, I have tended to be better about communicating with others before my departure. Yet nowadays I accept that this might lead me to be somewhat of a loner. Despite its cost, I am grateful that I am able to tap into my own inner knowing to maintain a life that is authentic and satisfying to me.
Certainly, I’m not saying that one must leave behind others to live authenticity. If you have been able to live happily, courageously, and authentically without having to “pack up and leave town” or trade up your associations every so often, I applaud you. Maybe you are better at relating with others than I am.
Yet there seems to be something deep inside of me that guides me to follow a very individual path. It seems I have some deep, sacred pact that must not be compromised, and it requires me to maintain a certain sovereignty in my life. For better or for worse, it’s like an internal ejection seat that might go off every so often.
And off into space I float once again.
Perhaps that is where I belong. Searching. Moving independently. My feet wiggling, wanting to march to that drum beat only I can hear.