So here I am, it is now 10:30 on Wednesday night, and I have been having a very enjoyable evening. Tonight an idea for a song occurred to me, and I have spent the last few hours fleshing out the lyrics. This was all going well… I was inspired, I was happy to be writing, I was planning the song through like I love to do, thinking about how this song will be great for people to hear… and at that moment I became conscious of my good friend, Mr. Trashman, doing his routine trash dumping (unlike real trash men, who perform a valuable service for our community, he DUMPS the trash on my lawn, and anywhere he can get to… on my car, into my brain, into my hopes and dreams). Here were some of his brilliant words:
you will never let this out, you will never let this out, you will never let this out, you can’t let this out
you can write it, but you can’t release it, you will never release it, you can’t release it, it will never get out there, never ever ever ever ever ever ever, you can’t let it go
And then the pleading starts to cross the line to insulting:
you suck, you will never get anywhere, you can’t do your dram [sic], you can’t make your music, you have to stay put, you have to be normal, you have to just behave, you can’t change anything, you can’t, you mustn’t,
Ahhhh…. Isn’t my lovely brain so lovely? Always there to support me, to cheer me on…
YOU MEAN, CHEER ME ON TO AN EARLY DEMISE. SUPPORT ME IN ATTAINING MISERY AND RESIGNATION, AND THE BUMBLING LIFE OF A STOOGE!
THANKS BUT NO THANKS!
It’s interesting, because in these quotes above, I can tell that Mr. Trashman’s a bit nervous. I mean, he almost sounds a bit panicky. So patently negative, so insistent, it’s almost going over-board. It’s like I triggered some real fear in him by working on this song. It’s as if he gets threatened by me being in the act of creating something.
So anyway, because this shit has really got to stop, I am bringing in the big guns to help with this fight.
This is my good friend CWiggz. He was some things he would like to say here. Take it away, CWiggz! :
You have nothing to be afraid of. It is normal for some people’s brains to go immediately into fear, a fight or flight mechanism, when confronted with a new possibility. This part of the brain can react to something GOOD with the same unease and suspicion as something BAD. It’s almost as if it doesn’t know the difference at all, or even care. It only knows that anything that changes things could be bad news for it’s own survival. It is like the people who write about the Ego. The Ego feels a need for its importance. Your ego is in many ways committed to your suffering**… though it would never admit that. It believes that it has a noble cause to protect… in keeping you safe. But in the process of trying to do this, it also dismisses and fights any ideas at all that might change the status quo.
Yeah, that really fucking sucks. I don’t like it.
Yet it doesn’t really care whether you like it. In its way, it is like a protective parent. It really just thinks it is doing what is good for you. It really and honestly believes that it is fighting the good fight.
Yeah, I believe that. But I think it’s full of shit. It’s really shitty. How do I ignore it?
Well, a funny thing about that voice. It has no power… at all. It simply talks. It can only talk. It can only spew its own concern…. You are correct in calling it Mr. Trashman, because all it spews is garbage. Verbal garbage.
So I just keep going about my business and ignore it. Yes? Easier said than done sometimes. I mean, look at the state of my music career. I have listened to that exact same hogwash for years. I don’t know how to get out of it.
You are taking a positive step by writing this blog, being open about this situation.
Yeah, I believe that. That makes sense. Thanks for the help.
Okay that was short but sweet. I am very grateful to be able to access words of wisdom, especially in the face of that B.S. (Bonafide Stupidity). And by the way, I will definitely finish this song. I just need to work up the nerve or get my head on straight to start actually recording songs again. Maybe save that for another post….
Until Next Time, Be Well, My Friends!
*I thought about calling him “The Professor” or something, because he seems to be very smart, talking about the ego and all… or, alternatively, calling him “Egon,” after the character Harold Ramis plays in Ghostbusters–the SMART Ghostbuster. But then I decided to just keep with the CWiggz moniker, which I have used previously in this blog. This is probably a big mistake, because it feels somehow dangerous, I don’t know why. But then again, this thinking is probably more of the same shit I am writing about on this blog in hopes of neutralizing. So CWiggz it is!
**I find it unnerving, and even a bit hard to swallow, to think that a part of me ACTUALLY wants me to suffer. But then again, it makes a lot of sense. If this part of me feels safest with the familiar, then it may confuse my familiar suffering as being GOOD, even though it’s not… and the unfamiliar change, as being BAD, because after all, change is risky. And Mr. Trashman hates risk!