So I really love being around people, yet very often, it seems that after awhile, I need to be by myself to get back to my center. It seems like it’s so easy for me to get confused or knocked off by other people, who unintentionally can throw me out of whack. Or rather, whom I let confuse me from my own alignment.
Undoubtedly, being highly sensitive impacts my interactions with others. Often, if I hang out with people for too long, I can easily start feeling drained or disconnected. I often want to come home and watch movies or stew in quiet all evening. Or, I might start out spunky and reassured, but somehow in the course of the interaction, start to lose steam, as clarity leaves the building and confusion sets in.
The following progression of thoughts could be me many times in my life:
- I’m great, I’m wonderful, I know who I am… (Clarity and Confidence)
- Oh, here comes that other person. I will share my greatness and joy with them! (Eagerness and Generosity)
- Oh it will be fun! oh yes! (Anticipation)
- Wait… they are saying something I don’t understand. (Confusion, Doubt)
- They aren’t agreeing with me. Did they criticize me? Do they think I’m stupid? (Distrust, Defensiveness)
- This sucks! Suddenly I am completely unsure. Who am I? This is not fun! Ahh! (Insecurity and Confusion)
This is a hypothetical conversation in my head over the course of losing my “way.” At this point in the story, it seems that the best thing to do is get my head on straight. I seem to do this best by myself, or at home with my wife. Sometimes I really need to fill up my well, so to speak, so that I can get back to that good-feeling place. It just hasn’t always been automatic for me to do this around others. Maybe you can relate…?
NOTES FROM AFTER GOING TO A PLAY TONIGHT: You know, I have so much inside me, but do they see it? Do I show it? Maybe not, maybe I don’t want to, maybe I’m scared of it being rejected, maybe I’m overly protective, maybe I don’t think they will be nice to me. I often pre-reject others. “They won’t like me,” I think to myself. And then I just don’t bother to engage. It kind of sucks, but it’s this long-standing tendency of pre-judging others.
I have so much power in me, and when I show it, I just go forward. But sometimes I have really doubted myself, and I let myself stop, you know? I just stopped myself. I don’t like that. I don’t want to be that way.
I am so brilliant, so amazing and talented, I deserve to be in control of my experience, and never to give into that fear and judgment. I don’t wish to live that way. I wish to live in control of my experience and give myself the gift of not caring what other people think.
I don’t really think that this is good content for a blog post. I really would rather just not put this here. It’s too vulnerable I think. I don’t want to write this, I don’t know how this all fits together, I want to be done. Shit man, what the fuck do I write
Chris, you are doing perfectly. You are so perfectly doing this, you don’t even know. It is all so completely perfect!
Thank you. I guess I don’t see how it’s perfect.
Because it’s so real, it’s right on point it’s as things should be. It’s honest. It’s you
It’s uncomfortable as fuck is what it is. That’s the truth.