So I’m going to audition for a comedy troupe at the Sacramento Comedy Spot, where I have been taking classes since last fall. The audition is going to be this Saturday. The thought of doing the audition has alternately scared and intimidated me. Once I got over my resistance to the idea, which manifested in a confusing bout of resentment and frustration, I have battled alternating sensations of fear and unworthiness.
I only decided last weekend for sure that I was going to audition. Before then, I did not consciously consider it, although as I said, the resistance started acting up. In fact, it was there in my psyche like an unwelcome guest since early last week, causing no end of discomfort. Finally, last weekend, the morning after an especially uncomfortable episode of resistance, I started to see it for what it was: fear of the unknown. After all, auditioning for a troup, in an art form I have only a few months of experience with, when I didn’t know what the outcome would bedefinitely feels like stepping into the unknown.
That’s when I decided for sure to audition.
The fact is, to the outer world, this audition probably seems like no big deal. People go for new things all the time. Plenty of people locally have auditioned for this particular opportunity and then made it or not made it. It’s certainly not a first.
Yet it is a first for me.
It seems I erected a wall, a border of sorts, around the area of creativity broadly known as acting. The wall around this area was firm, its existence mandated by the childhood me, for reasons I still don’t firmly understand. Somehow, a long time ago I convinced myself that I didn’t want to–or shouldn’t want to–become an actor (even though I did want to). I tried to close that chapter on my life. Fortunately, around the same time I opened up the chapter called piano playing. That has served me very well.
Yet restricting my acting probably has not. I did some acting in college, and I loved it so much, I wanted to do more. At around that same time, I started doing rap. That struck me as perhaps a worthy substitute for acting. After all, I could do it at the piano, so it was sort of familiar. It was music.
But the acting thing stuck in the back of my mind. I started playing piano for kids’ and community theater. I admired the actors for what they got to do. But I myself didn’t venture onto the stage. Instead, I stayed where I had “decided” I belonged: behind the piano.
Things changed about a year ago when I, rather impulsively, attended a comedy improv class. I came back, once, then twice. This was the beginning of a lot of good times, as I continued taking classes there. Meanwhile, I started playing piano for one of the comedy troupes, improvising an entire musical before a live audience.
Overall, this has been very beneficial for me, but being behind the piano didn’t scratch the acting itch. That itch was scratched for awhile by the improv classes I took. However, having completed the cycle of improv classes as of last week, I now faced a crisis: what to do next?
I knew I wanted to continue doing improv acting. Yet in truth, the classes were a sort of comfort zone for me. That is not surprising: I have always loved classes. The thought of doing improv comedy outside of the class environment really freaked me out. I believe that was the source of the resistance.
Once I finally recognized this fear, however, I realized that it would do me good to face it. That, plus my enjoyment for improv comedy, is why I am auditioning for the comedy troupe. I have no expectations of the outcome of the audition, except that I expect to do my very best to put into practice the improv skills I have been gaining these last few months.
In a way, I feel as if I have already won. Because I am going for something that I want. Something that is uncertain, something that feels a little risky. And in doing this, I am recognizing that I am worthy of it. I am worthy of what I want. I am worthy of expanding, growing, and enjoying my life to the fullest.
I am worthy of all great things.
Wish me luck 🙂