I heard a recording of the late, great Wayne Dyer talking about oranges. In the recording, he says, “When you squeeze an orange, what do you get?” And then he says, “You get orange juice, right? By why do you get orange juice?” And then, “Because that is what is inside! These are really easy questions, folks! Everyone passes.”
After this, Dyer goes onto explain that it is the same with people. When you “squeeze” a person, you get what is inside them. For example, what does an angry person do when they are in traffic? They get angry! What does a jealous person do when they see someone else who is successful or when the person they have a crush on flirts with someone else? They get jealous! And why is this? Because that’s what’s inside them. In other words, the thoughts and emotions that we have influence our reactions to life. If you are a peaceful person, you are going to respond to situations peacefully. Isn’t that just the way it is? Makes sense to me!
And so it is with our expectations. I have heard it said many, many times: you get what you expect! If you walk into a room of people and expect to have a grand time, laughing with them and making friends, then, like magic, you do! On the other hand, if you walk into that same room and expect to get into a fight with someone, woah there horsey, look out! You’re in trouble.
Now, I know that it might not always seem like we are getting what we expect. After all, you might walk into that room slightly nervous, worrying about something going wrong, and then find out that everything is just fine and meet a lot of nice people. But in that situation, was your dominant expectation that things would go badly? Or was it that, despite your bit of nervousness, or negative expectation, that your primary expectation was that things would be fine? Is it possible that sometimes we are a mixed bag of expectations, some good, some bad, but that we tend to attract the primary content of what we expect?
I admit, I’m still working out for myself how this process works. I haven’t always been clear on what my expectations have been. Yet if I look at my past experiences, I can see a direct correlation between how things went and what my expectations were. In fact, I can pretty much deduce my expectations from what my experience was.
To go back to the orange analogy, what you put in is going to be what comes out. If you go into a life situation with positive expectation, an expectation of feeling good and having a good time, it makes sense that you are going to tend to attract an outcome that feels good. In fact, you may have a combination of expectations, some that feel good and some that feel not-so-good, and the outcome will tend to reflect that.
One way to learn about your own expectations is to think back on your past experiences. Take an experience that you care about. How did the outcome of this situation feel? Did you have fun? Was it easy, joyous, expansive? Or was it a rocky road, stressful, confusing, or overwhelming?
I’ll use a personal example. I once went to a workshop for songwriters. I was quite excited to go, as I was eager to increase my knowledge of the art of songwriting. I expected to have a good time at the events, socializing, and taking in songwriting wisdom. I also expected to enjoy sharing my own songs. I got all of these things, and that part was a lot of fun for me.
At the same time, I was quite wound up and nervous about my own music being criticized or disapproved of. Also, I was worried about the experience going awry, because of a bad experience I had a year before that with another music mentor. Finally, while I typically entered new situations with verve and enthusiasm, I also had a pattern of letting moments of stress or confusion in group situations knock the wind out of my sails and cause me to withdraw completely. So while I was eager to learn, and happy to socialize and share in the environment, I was also guarded and worried about the situation going bad in general, and used to withdrawing from situations when I got stressed out by them.
Sure enough, while the instructor had many positive things to say about my music, his few critical remarks stung so badly that I silently stewed with indignation, filled with confusion and shame despite the other positive feedback I got. Also, during one particular performance, I got really stressed out over a miscommunication with the instructor, and suddenly felt very upset, even slightly betrayed.
Predictably, I never spoke up about my concerns. Instead, I withdrew into my shell. Although I stayed with that group for awhile after that, the writing was on the walls. I did the same thing with them that I had done many times before: I picked a moment to gracefully and silently exit, and the fine folks I had been working with were none the wiser that I had just repeated the same unsatisfying pattern I had done many times before, consistent with my own negative expectations.
Yuck! As I just wrote this out, I am pleased to say that I really can see this situation with greater clarity than I did back then. Because of all the personal work I have done, I doubt I would let something like this ever happen again (knock on wood). I believe that I have altered my own expectations of my ability to navigate through situations maturely and effectively. Yet this is a good example of the power of expectations.
Again, think of that orange. When you squeeze it, it’s not going to produce cow’s milk. Or acorns. Or saltines. You’re going to get out of it what is inside of it.
Then again, what did you expect?