Okay, so if you have read my blog for awhile, you probably are aware that much of what I write falls into the category known as Introspection. Last time I checked, each one of us humans is selfishly oriented, and I am no less so than others.
I admit it: I’m obsessed with myself. My particular self-obsession tends to manifest as a desire to understand myself better, and specifically to understand my mind better… so that I can use it to its full potential, and so I can live a great life and be a fully self-actualized, happy person. To this end, I am endlessly willing, it seems, to put myself on the examining table and take a look at what is going on inside. Hopefully, what I discover and jot down in this blog is of interest to others. But if not, fortunately I do not have a popularity quota to meet here 🙂
Today my focus is on anxiety.
Exactly what is anxiety? It is such a slippery, ethereal word. It can be hard to recognize in other people, and we often only know it in ourselves by how bad we feel when we are experiencing it. It can be a vague feeling of fear, or it can storm upon us like a tidal wave called panic. While in its grips we perceive a future containing things we do not want. In short, it is a fear signal given to us by our brain telling us that we are off course in our thinking.
I have been studying anxiety–my own anxiety– for years. It started a long time ago, at the time when I experienced acute anxiety. These days, most of the time the anxiety occurs at a manageable level commonly thought of as everyday stress. Occasionally it creeps up on me with stealth and adorns me like one of those plastic covers you put on dresses and suits in at the airport (and it usually causes a similar amount of suffocation and discomfort I would feel if I were inside one of those covers).
As an adult, the topic that has probably caused the most anxiety in me is (drum roll, please) money (I’m sure I am alone on this, right?). To be clear, there are aspects of money that I find fun. Those are the topics I normally write about on here, namely money management, and investing. I feel blessed about this, because I know there are many people who do not find these topics fun. Notice these two areas involve a lot of thinking and planning, which apparently is something I am quite comfortable with.
Alas, some of the more day-to-day aspects of the money experience have played starring roles in my own inner drama, that infamous play that has more devotees than any Tony-winning musical on Broadway: Anxiety, or Why You Will Never Be Truly Happy with Yourself. In other words, this personal hell, created by my mind, has colored many years of my life with guilt, stress, tension, worry, and, of course, anxiety. I feel like the defeated warrior waving the white flag when I say that this is one challenge that I have not fully conquered.
Yet.
The silver lining is that these days I am dedicated to Presence. I am dedicated to staying conscious, to uncovering my thinking, and to shifting my thoughts in directions that feel good. This is already doing me a lot of good, and I believe that this progress will help me uncover anything that stands in the way of experiencing peace of mind and ease in all areas of life, including money. This is the true idea behind MyHappinessObsession.
Being kind to myself is also making a difference. I am stripping the demon of Self-Judgment of its power each time I forgive myself for my foibles. Each blog post I write is another triumphant cannon fire. And each time I get present I stare the Anxiety Ogre in the face and say to it, “You thrive off unconsciousness, and I am conscious, and I am a patient man, and I shall conquer you!”
In the meantime, I am humbled by my humanity, and I wait with watchful eyes, ready to observe what I can and learn something that will help.